My days have been full, so not much time to sit down and write, but here's some pictures in the meantime.
Joseph shows me around a local park. We're both extremely cold.
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I got a pretty comprehensive church experience here. College group on Saturday night. Regular, college, and high school service on Sunday. 🙏💒
Joseph and Jiyoung. My local Korean tour guides.
The Coex center. Fancy, touristy shopping mall and my first experience of Seoul.
Good food all day, erryday.
Jiyoung learns English while we're perusing books at Bandi and Lunis. This book is on English for people in their twenties and teaches phrases like "Are you a virgin?" and "She's smokin'!" Joseph and I both think she wants an American boyfriend.
“And then it occurs to me. They are frightened. In me, they see their own daughters, just as ignorant, just as unmindful of all the truths and hopes they have brought to America. They see daughters who grow impatient when their mothers talk in Chinese, who think they are stupid when they explain things in fractured English. They see that joy and luck do not mean the same to their daughters, that to these closed American-born minds "joy luck" is not a word, it does not exist. They see daughters who will bear grandchildren born without any connecting hope passed from generation to generation.” Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club
Hello Friend,
It feels weird to be addressing you like this, whoever you are. I've never blogged before and am still developing my internet identity. (Please have mercy in this painful adolescent phase.) I am thankful nonetheless that you're choosing to follow me as I document the next six months of my life on the blogosphere. If you're here, you might know I will be leaving for Korea on the 24th of January, heading to Hong Kong for the Spring Festival, and then beginning a semester of study abroad at Peking University in Beijing. I don't really know how to feel about all this, and yet the most common question I get when people find out I'm studying abroad is, "Are you excited?!?" I guess I do feel excited. But it would be dishonest not to add that there's a bit of fear, dread, sadness, and confusion mixed in with that excitement. I'm leaving behind friends and family to go to a new, albeit not completely unfamiliar country, where I'll need to muster up all the mental energy needed to travel on my own and befriend new people. Sometimes I get nightmares about me doing stupid things like losing my passport or having all my money pick pocketed. I'm sure those of you who've studied abroad before can empathize to a certain degree. And for those of you who haven't, well a picture's worth a thousand words. Here's one of the beloved brother I'll be leaving behind. It sums up how I'm feeling pretty well.
Probably the second most common question I get is, "Why China?" Which is usually followed up with, "Aren't you Chinese?", "Haven't you been there already?", "Why don't you go to Europe?". Normally, I would go on about how I originally wanted to go to Israel or South Africa just to satisfy my wanderlust for new and interesting places, but my over-protective father guilt-tripped me into thinking I would cause him an unnecessary amount of distress and anxiety if I were to do so. So being the obedient daughter I am, I chose one of the few countries I knew my patriotic Chinese patriarch would approve of. While this answer is partially true, it overlooks the fact that I did choose China of my own accord. Also, I don't actually hold any hard feelings against my dad for limiting the countries to which he would let me travel. So why, then, did I choose China? I don't really know what to think about this either. I guess throughout my life, I've been trying to appreciate why my parents so heavily emphasize pride in my Chinese heritage, even to the point that they would name me 陈慕华 which roughly translates to "admire China". True to my namesake, much of my childhood has been spent crying my way through Chinese homework and fuming at Chinese teachers who consistently failed my exams. As an adult (if I can even use that term), I realize my parents were right when they said "you'll thank me later" and refused to let me quit. Maybe then this is why, even though I could harbor bitter sentiments towards my dad now, I have this hunch that I'll thank him for it later. I suppose my feelings are also reflective of the general western disposition towards China these days. People seem to have a mixed bag of reactions to the ways China is changing. Love it or hate it, I'm Chinese American myself, so I have to live with the confusion which ensues when eastern and western values mix. Sometimes I think they're good for each other, other times I think they've both been hopelessly misunderstood, and it just feels awkward to be caught in between all of it. Part of the reason why I'm nervous about going to China is I know I will be experiencing more of this awkward mixing. And since even a picture's worth of words might not be able to capture these sentiments completely, a video will have to do the job this time. Here's one of some Chinese Hooters' girls embracing what they know as American culture. I'm not sure if it makes me want to laugh, cry, or barf. Either way, I'm hopping on a plane on the 24th and not coming back for 6 months. Might as well make the best of it!
“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” ― Henri J.M. Nouwen
Winter break was a pretty boring five weeks for me. I spent much of it alone while each day seemed to drag by more slowly than the one before, so when I realized I would be leaving soon for Korea, I got myself together and tried to arrange ways to be with people who I won't be seeing for at least six months, some maybe never again. In the grand scheme of things, six months out of your life is not very long. The last six months of my life seemed to go by faster than ever, and it's not like I'm moving to China for life or anything. But when I stopped to reflect on how quickly my brother is growing through his adolescent years, how my parents look older every time I go home to see them, how my friends are preparing for another semester of classes without me, six months suddenly began to feel very long and life began to feel extremely short. And for six months, life in the US will go on without me. During my last week stateside, however, many people stopped what they were doing in their lives and reciprocated in my efforts to spend time with them. It was all very fun, and made me feel both sad and more comfortable about leaving. In my pessimism and characteristically cynical attitude towards the world, it was both humbling and reassuring to be on the receiving end of a lot of love. I guess one way to learn to appreciate what you have is to leave it.
Right before I go to China, Dad still insists on Chinese food. Typical. Excuse the bad panoramic.
Center of attention, as usual.
At least most of them are pretty sad that I'm leaving.
Now that most of my goodbyes have been said, all there's left to do is pack. I have just a little over 24 hours to do so and it's not looking good. I think because of winter break, deadline pressure has completely lost its hold on me. You know how procrastination makes you productive at everything except for the task at hand? Well so far I've taken a walk, did push-ups and sit-ups, read my entire study abroad handbook, read all the advice from program alumni, asked friends how class has been going, read the entire Wikipedia page for South Korea, and put a lot of unnecessary information on this blog post. In the process though, I figured out what my address in China will be! Here it is in English and Chinese, respectively. Either or will suffice, though they say to use the Chinese if you can. I'm still a believer in snail mail, so if I know your address, you can expect a postcard at the very least. ;-)
Krista Chan UCEAP Zhongguan Xin Yuan 9 lou, 2 danyuan, 101 shi Peking University, Haidian District Beijing 92101, P. R. China 美国加州大学北京中心 北京大学，中关新园 9.2.101 海淀区，北京市 100871 Krista Chan/陈慕华 收 BEIJING, CHINA On the flip side of things, I'll soon be in Korea and reuniting with other friends who I haven't seen for over six months. The thought of it makes me want to leave already. In the meantime...guess I'll start packing. Our Greatest Gift: A Meditation on Dying and Caring (Abridged) by Nouw (Google Affiliate Ad)
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