And so it begins...

“And then it occurs to me. They are frightened. In me, they see their own daughters, just as ignorant, just as unmindful of all the truths and hopes they have brought to America. They see daughters who grow impatient when their mothers talk in Chinese, who think they are stupid when they explain things in fractured English. They see that joy and luck do not mean the same to their daughters, that to these closed American-born minds "joy luck" is not a word, it does not exist. They see daughters who will bear grandchildren born without any connecting hope passed from generation to generation.”   Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club

Hello Friend,

It feels weird to be addressing you like this, whoever you are.  I've never blogged before and am still developing my internet identity.  (Please have mercy in this painful adolescent phase.)  I am thankful nonetheless that you're choosing to follow me as I document the next six months of my life on the blogosphere.  If you're here, you might know I will be leaving for Korea on the 24th of January, heading to Hong Kong for the Spring Festival, and then beginning a semester of study abroad at Peking University in Beijing.  I don't really know how to feel about all this, and yet the most common question I get when people find out I'm studying abroad is, "Are you excited?!?"  I guess I do feel excited.  But it would be dishonest not to add that there's a bit of fear, dread, sadness, and confusion mixed in with that excitement.  I'm leaving behind friends and family to go to a new, albeit not completely unfamiliar country, where I'll need to muster up all the mental energy needed to travel on my own and befriend new people.  Sometimes I get nightmares about me doing stupid things like losing my passport or having all my money pick pocketed.  I'm sure those of you who've studied abroad before can empathize to a certain degree.  And for those of you who haven't, well a picture's worth a thousand words.  Here's one of the beloved brother I'll be leaving behind.  It sums up how I'm feeling pretty well.

 

Probably the second most common question I get is, "Why China?"  Which is usually followed up with, "Aren't you Chinese?", "Haven't you been there already?", "Why don't you go to Europe?".  Normally, I would go on about how I originally wanted to go to Israel or South Africa just to satisfy my wanderlust for new and interesting places, but my over-protective father guilt-tripped me into thinking I would cause him an unnecessary amount of distress and anxiety if I were to do so.  So being the obedient daughter I am, I chose one of the few countries I knew my patriotic Chinese patriarch would approve of.  While this answer is partially true, it overlooks the fact that I did choose China of my own accord.  Also, I don't actually hold any hard feelings against my dad for limiting the countries to which he would let me travel.  So why, then, did I choose China?  I don't really know what to think about this either.  I guess throughout my life, I've been trying to appreciate why my parents so heavily emphasize pride in my Chinese heritage, even to the point that they would name me 陈慕华 which roughly translates to "admire China".  True to my namesake, much of my childhood has been spent crying my way through Chinese homework and fuming at Chinese teachers who consistently failed my exams.  As an adult (if I can even use that term), I realize my parents were right when they said "you'll thank me later" and refused to let me quit.  Maybe then this is why, even though I could harbor bitter sentiments towards my dad now, I have this hunch that I'll thank him for it later.

I suppose my feelings are also reflective of the general western disposition towards China these days.  People seem to have a mixed bag of reactions to the ways China is changing.  Love it or hate it, I'm Chinese American myself, so I have to live with the confusion which ensues when eastern and western values mix.  Sometimes I think they're good for each other, other times I think they've both been hopelessly misunderstood, and it just feels awkward to be caught in between all of it.  Part of the reason why I'm nervous about going to China is I know I will be experiencing more of this awkward mixing.  And since even a picture's worth of words might not be able to capture these sentiments completely, a video will have to do the job this time.  Here's one of some Chinese Hooters' girls embracing what they know as American culture.  I'm not sure if it makes me want to laugh, cry, or barf.   Either way, I'm hopping on a plane on the 24th and not coming back for 6 months.  Might as well make the best of it!

The Joy Luck Club by Tan, Amy [Hardcover] (Google Affiliate Ad)